I've put it off long enough, and things just keep getting in the way or my book goes AWOL or I get distracted by other promises of shiny things and guitar hero. But today I WILL upload them!

In other news, things are going to be a bit hectic for me with the internetting world because reality beckons to me. So this means getting my butt applied to Sheffield Hallam for fashion and design. Kyon is going to help me out with that, we have plans to go and see New Moon together when it comes out, and hopefully the uni application stuff should be out of the way by mid december for me. Carol, his mum (who is so lovely by the way!) has even invited me to go up to their flat in Edinburgh with them for new year. She said that we will most likely do something for James' birthday (if memory serves its on the 30th of December) so I get to be...involved I guess. Part of the family like Kyon is always telling me I am. Its just until now I never really felt it.
On new year we will climb a hill which is behind the flats up so we can see all the fireworks below, I really REALLY cant wait for that, then on new years day we go and walk along the beach if its nice enough. Cant wait for that either! because i havent seen the sea (well...a nice bit of sea. who counts liverpool for gods sake?) in ages.

The downside...? I have to get treatment. Yes, you heard me. Treatment.
Basically I was depressed about two years ago, and up until late September I was pretty sure I had beaten it. Though lately I've noticed I've been up and down like a yoyo, my downs were extreme and I didnt feel like doing anything, I was making more harsh comments about myself and in tears at least twice a day up until now. Kyon brought it to his mum and dads attention (psychiatrist and GP respectively) and they are pretty much certain that its come back and that I should go and see my GP to get it sorted out. But I've had my reservations about doing so.

Reservation number 1: Counseling does not work. Fact is I've been sitting around stewing over my feelings long enough to know what caused it, I cannot change that fact, and having people ask me 'is that so?' over and over is just going to piss me off and I will most likely have them leave the room with a limb or two missing. And we wouldnt want that would we?

Reservation number 2: They're sodding unreliable. I finished counseling and I still hadnt recovered or began to stabilize, so Mr GP says 'okay, we can refer you to CAMHs. Theyre specialists and they may be able to have more success with you. Expect a call within the next week'
So I wait, and wait, and wait. And eventually I give up, the sixth form have a go at getting me referred, they fail. so I gave up. I'm not setting myself up for that kind of disappointment again. no thanks.

Reservation number 3: given that I tell them to cram their talking therapy where the sun dont shine, I will still most likely be placed on anti depressants, as James (Mr As-a-GP-I-can-most-certainly-tell-you-that...) and Carol think that they will help... Im not going on drugs. That is all.

Now, even though Carol has offered to take me, and has given me so much more help than anyone else so far (she doesnt get stressy and yell at me, and helps me to keep distracted) I feel like I'd be getting in the way. and if I were to be placed on drugs 'even just to try them'- Kyon I will most likely have to pay for them. My family dont know whats going on, I dont want them to know as last time they spazzed out at me for being depressed, so therefore i cant ask them. So of course Kyon pipes up and tells me that his family will most likely help me. Of course I cant allow that. His parents have no responsibility over me, even though ive gotten to know them better...You can understand the awkwardness. In a sense, I'd be owing my sanity and life to them. And when Kyon told me it could be up to £140 a year...'no thanks I'd rather stay depressed' I just dont know what to do... and finding a job isnt proving to be an easy task.

Kyon gifted me last night. I'm going to ask him to make it my christmas AND birthday present as it is pretty expensive. Basically its the dress from the ending of K-ON for the character of Mio. Its pretty!

Five days until a month til the christmas ball. I'm wearing my gold dress for that and the guys get to look like penguins! yay!